Inside Freckles head....

My head is full of thoughts a big ass bunch of random rambling thoughts...I can't stop myself from thinking long enough to form and complete any of those thoughts it seems . Why can't I turn my brain off...why must I overthink everything? Am I crazy...why when in the midst of a good moment can't I just enjoy that good moment...why do I find myself thinking about everything that surrounds that situation that could be wrong or go wrong?....it’s a gift and a huge curse....I can plan for what can go wrong and try to prepare yet at the same time in worrying about what could go wrong i'm left to not fully enjoy the moment im in. I am a ball of confusion rolled up with good intentions and a mess of desires I can't quite get together. I guess I really am perfect in my imperfections why the hell not right?!?!?! *kanye shrug* 

What I have...What I want...What I need...

Laying here thinking how bad things COULD be. realizing that even though I'm not where I WANT to be I am blessed with where i am and what i do have. You can't dare ask to be blessed with new and better if you don't show any care for what you already have. So with that said I am thankful for the car i have that runs when it feels like it...I am thankful for my mother and my best friend who provide ...me with a place to lay my head while in this transition i am in....I am thankful for the aches and pains i feel in my body daily. simply because they are reminders of what I need to do to get better. I'm not perfect I'm a work in progress but i am thankful to be given the chance to make the progress. As its been told and said for a long time now IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME...God has created my path now its my time to get up off my butt and walk it with pride,dignity and confidence. Stepping off soap box and getting my day started...Have a great day people ♥ Freckles!

To Good to be true......

The sound of his voice softly in my ear…the touch of his lips on the side of my neck. His arms wrapping themselves around me as he stands behind me...the relief I feel knowing that he is there with me. Throwing my head back onto his chest as he continues to hold me tighter and tighter. There is no greater feeling than the feeling he is giving me right now...love, comfort and security.  Somehow he knows all the right things to do…How is this possible? How does he do that? As I start to turn to look him in his eyes and ask HOW DID YOU KNOW??…I wake up…It was all just a dream! I’m laying here in disbelief it felt like it was happening…it seemed so real. Guess I’ll try and get back to sleep so I can once again visit with my dream guy…for now he will have to do! Here’s to sweet dreams that may one day become reality!

Note to Self.....

January 12, 2012

Dear Yanna,

It’s been a while since we last spoke. I’ve watched you make a range of choices from good to terrible with some crazy shit in-between and I’ve said nothing. I figured hey she’s got to learn for herself right. Well the time has come for us to talk...you see the decisions you’re making affect me too you know. You think I like watching you cry? You think I enjoy knowing that you are about to make a choice to replace one thing with another just so you can avoid the real situation. No love I don’t…Its time you get it together! You have your whole life ahead of you so why seem so defeated. The other day I watched you go from happy to down in the dumps in 5 minutes. It killed me to know that the whole situation could have been avoided…had you not taken the bait! You know in your heart of hearts when the baiting is about to begin…yet somehow you still take it! You’re smarter and stronger than this…the sooner you realize that the better off you will be. You do know God is testing you right? You do know that until you get out of your own way things will remain the same? Take the test and pass it with flying colors I know you can do it…I’ve got your back chick. You are not in this alone!!! Stand tall put on your big girl pants and start making the moves you know you need to make. I’ll be here waiting for you to arrive…your seat will be kept warm.

Loving you more than I love myself…

Signed,

Your inner victory waiting for release